An Unflattering Self-Portrait

I don't think anyone has ever described me as being friendly, well tempered, successful, or intelligent. I'll tell you what people do say about me all the time: I'm wicked hot. Seriously, people stare when I walk into a room. You may say that this isn't a very good thing to base a relationship off of, but I would tell you to shut the hell up. As mentioned before I am not very friendly and this will most likely be my response to 50-80% of the things that come out of your mouth depending on how often you feel the need to talk about your "feelings". I do have a few other good qualities though, I'm not usually prone to physical violence, I'm funny, I have a car, I'm barely even an alcoholic, and I've quit almost all drugs (except for marijuana, and heroin.) Sure you can't introduce me to your parents (unless you're a teenage girl trying to piss off her parents by bringing home a "bad boy") and your friends will hate me and I'll probably end up stealing at least a couple hundred bucks from you but none of that will matter when you show up to a social function with, like, the hottest dude ever. People will be so jealous of you at your prom/office christmas party/friends wedding that they will literally be oozing hatred from their every pore. I'm also pretty good at sex. I wouldn't say I'm great but I know my way around the ol' vagina. At this point you may be saying "If you're so attractive why can't you just pick up ladies at the bar like everyone else?" which I would again respond to by telling you to shut the hell up. If you really need to know, it's because despite how good looking I am my personality is so off putting that people (even very shallow ones) just can't stand me for more than an hour. So I asked myself "Where will I find the most shallow, sex craved, and desperate members of society?" The answer of course is Craigslist! I kicked myself (and a homeless guy) for not realizing it earlier. Basically I don't care if you're ugly, fat, old, or smelly. I just need someone to make me a god damn sandwich, clean up the house after wild parties, and have sex with every now and again. Is that so much to ask Craigslist? I don't believe it is.