Hello

As I write this personal ad to you I am overcome with a longing for the life we had together. You don’t know me yet, but I already know everything about you. Your fears and dreams and even that thing you do when you do when you feel sad and alone. I’m not a stalker or anything, I just have a different way of seeing time than you. Where you see beginnings I see endings. I already know that you’ll respond to this ad, what you’ll order at the coffee shop when we first meet, the color of your eyes, and the nervous fumbling the first time we make love. I know when I’ll propose and the day we get married. The memories of our life are something you’ll look forward to having but I already have them all. It breaks my heart to know that you think this is first thing I’ve ever said to you, when we’ve really already told each other volumes. At the same time I can’t help but feel happy for you. For me our time together has reached it’s final chapter, but now you get to experience all the wonderful things we’ve done together. I just wanted to take this time to thank you for everything you’ll do, and to say... hello.

An Unflattering Self-Portrait

I don't think anyone has ever described me as being friendly, well tempered, successful, or intelligent. I'll tell you what people do say about me all the time: I'm wicked hot. Seriously, people stare when I walk into a room. You may say that this isn't a very good thing to base a relationship off of, but I would tell you to shut the hell up. As mentioned before I am not very friendly and this will most likely be my response to 50-80% of the things that come out of your mouth depending on how often you feel the need to talk about your "feelings". I do have a few other good qualities though, I'm not usually prone to physical violence, I'm funny, I have a car, I'm barely even an alcoholic, and I've quit almost all drugs (except for marijuana, and heroin.) Sure you can't introduce me to your parents (unless you're a teenage girl trying to piss off her parents by bringing home a "bad boy") and your friends will hate me and I'll probably end up stealing at least a couple hundred bucks from you but none of that will matter when you show up to a social function with, like, the hottest dude ever. People will be so jealous of you at your prom/office christmas party/friends wedding that they will literally be oozing hatred from their every pore. I'm also pretty good at sex. I wouldn't say I'm great but I know my way around the ol' vagina. At this point you may be saying "If you're so attractive why can't you just pick up ladies at the bar like everyone else?" which I would again respond to by telling you to shut the hell up. If you really need to know, it's because despite how good looking I am my personality is so off putting that people (even very shallow ones) just can't stand me for more than an hour. So I asked myself "Where will I find the most shallow, sex craved, and desperate members of society?" The answer of course is Craigslist! I kicked myself (and a homeless guy) for not realizing it earlier. Basically I don't care if you're ugly, fat, old, or smelly. I just need someone to make me a god damn sandwich, clean up the house after wild parties, and have sex with every now and again. Is that so much to ask Craigslist? I don't believe it is.

Don't Forget the Title Page!

Hi there Craigslisters, how's it going? I'm looking for a really specific type of person, boy or girl it's doesn't matter. I also don't really care what you look like because beauty is only skin deep. What I'm really looking for is someone who feels like nobody cares about them and is looking for someone to love them unconditionally in this seemingly uncaring, detached, and impersonal world. Also you must have a near encyclopedic knowledge of the Magna Carta. You see, I'm trying to write this paper but I'm really not very good at doing research. What I am good at though is lying. So perhaps we could have a little exchange, criss-cross, I pretend to care about you and you write my paper for me. I envision us sitting together in front of the fireplace with a glass of wine, we talk for hours and eventually I look deep into your eyes and say "you know a guy like me could really fall for a guy/girl like you (YOUR NAME HERE!)" You smile and blush and then say to me "The Magna Carta was written by English barons to limit the power of King John and also to keep their feudal rights protected." Then I can keep my arms around you all night giggling as the light from the screen dimly illuminates our faces, your fingers clacking away to the rhythm of our hearts beating, late into the night.

Just make sure that it's 3-4 pages long and that you cite your sources in MLA format and we'll be cool.

Needle in the Hay

I am looking for something a bit different than most of the other guys on here. I have a particular interest in a certain kind of man that is quite common but, by their nature, very difficult to find. I’m looking for a self-loathing closet homosexual. I am 6’2”, 25 years old, 190 lbs (all muscle), and very well endowed. I want a guy around my age who is totally ashamed of his sexuality, because nothing screams “tough all-american man” like someone terrified that their filthy secret will get out. If you are married that is a total plus. I envision us getting together in a seedy motel on the edge of town. You’ll lie about your name as you look at the floor, too disgusted to look me in the eyes, your face already stained with tears from your silent sobbing in the car. When we get to it you will take me from behind. “I’m a man.” you’ll stutter through shaking fits of shame and pleasure “I’m a man.” repeating it over and over as though it could erase the reality of the moment. When it’s all over I’ll tell you how wonderful it was, which will infuriate you. “Get the fuck out of here you faggot” you’ll say as our eyes meet for the first time of our brief encounter. I’ll leave to the sight of you praying on the side of the bed, begging for forgiveness.

God, I’m getting hard just thinking about it.