Hello

As I write this personal ad to you I am overcome with a longing for the life we had together. You don’t know me yet, but I already know everything about you. Your fears and dreams and even that thing you do when you do when you feel sad and alone. I’m not a stalker or anything, I just have a different way of seeing time than you. Where you see beginnings I see endings. I already know that you’ll respond to this ad, what you’ll order at the coffee shop when we first meet, the color of your eyes, and the nervous fumbling the first time we make love. I know when I’ll propose and the day we get married. The memories of our life are something you’ll look forward to having but I already have them all. It breaks my heart to know that you think this is first thing I’ve ever said to you, when we’ve really already told each other volumes. At the same time I can’t help but feel happy for you. For me our time together has reached it’s final chapter, but now you get to experience all the wonderful things we’ve done together. I just wanted to take this time to thank you for everything you’ll do, and to say... hello.

An Unflattering Self-Portrait

I don't think anyone has ever described me as being friendly, well tempered, successful, or intelligent. I'll tell you what people do say about me all the time: I'm wicked hot. Seriously, people stare when I walk into a room. You may say that this isn't a very good thing to base a relationship off of, but I would tell you to shut the hell up. As mentioned before I am not very friendly and this will most likely be my response to 50-80% of the things that come out of your mouth depending on how often you feel the need to talk about your "feelings". I do have a few other good qualities though, I'm not usually prone to physical violence, I'm funny, I have a car, I'm barely even an alcoholic, and I've quit almost all drugs (except for marijuana, and heroin.) Sure you can't introduce me to your parents (unless you're a teenage girl trying to piss off her parents by bringing home a "bad boy") and your friends will hate me and I'll probably end up stealing at least a couple hundred bucks from you but none of that will matter when you show up to a social function with, like, the hottest dude ever. People will be so jealous of you at your prom/office christmas party/friends wedding that they will literally be oozing hatred from their every pore. I'm also pretty good at sex. I wouldn't say I'm great but I know my way around the ol' vagina. At this point you may be saying "If you're so attractive why can't you just pick up ladies at the bar like everyone else?" which I would again respond to by telling you to shut the hell up. If you really need to know, it's because despite how good looking I am my personality is so off putting that people (even very shallow ones) just can't stand me for more than an hour. So I asked myself "Where will I find the most shallow, sex craved, and desperate members of society?" The answer of course is Craigslist! I kicked myself (and a homeless guy) for not realizing it earlier. Basically I don't care if you're ugly, fat, old, or smelly. I just need someone to make me a god damn sandwich, clean up the house after wild parties, and have sex with every now and again. Is that so much to ask Craigslist? I don't believe it is.

Don't Forget the Title Page!

Hi there Craigslisters, how's it going? I'm looking for a really specific type of person, boy or girl it's doesn't matter. I also don't really care what you look like because beauty is only skin deep. What I'm really looking for is someone who feels like nobody cares about them and is looking for someone to love them unconditionally in this seemingly uncaring, detached, and impersonal world. Also you must have a near encyclopedic knowledge of the Magna Carta. You see, I'm trying to write this paper but I'm really not very good at doing research. What I am good at though is lying. So perhaps we could have a little exchange, criss-cross, I pretend to care about you and you write my paper for me. I envision us sitting together in front of the fireplace with a glass of wine, we talk for hours and eventually I look deep into your eyes and say "you know a guy like me could really fall for a guy/girl like you (YOUR NAME HERE!)" You smile and blush and then say to me "The Magna Carta was written by English barons to limit the power of King John and also to keep their feudal rights protected." Then I can keep my arms around you all night giggling as the light from the screen dimly illuminates our faces, your fingers clacking away to the rhythm of our hearts beating, late into the night.

Just make sure that it's 3-4 pages long and that you cite your sources in MLA format and we'll be cool.

Needle in the Hay

I am looking for something a bit different than most of the other guys on here. I have a particular interest in a certain kind of man that is quite common but, by their nature, very difficult to find. I’m looking for a self-loathing closet homosexual. I am 6’2”, 25 years old, 190 lbs (all muscle), and very well endowed. I want a guy around my age who is totally ashamed of his sexuality, because nothing screams “tough all-american man” like someone terrified that their filthy secret will get out. If you are married that is a total plus. I envision us getting together in a seedy motel on the edge of town. You’ll lie about your name as you look at the floor, too disgusted to look me in the eyes, your face already stained with tears from your silent sobbing in the car. When we get to it you will take me from behind. “I’m a man.” you’ll stutter through shaking fits of shame and pleasure “I’m a man.” repeating it over and over as though it could erase the reality of the moment. When it’s all over I’ll tell you how wonderful it was, which will infuriate you. “Get the fuck out of here you faggot” you’ll say as our eyes meet for the first time of our brief encounter. I’ll leave to the sight of you praying on the side of the bed, begging for forgiveness.

God, I’m getting hard just thinking about it.

Lies, Damned Lies, and Personal Ads

I'm not really all that interesting of a person, maybe a bit more exciting then some people but by no means spectacular. You aren't really that special yourself though. I don't really mind that, whatever, everyone is pretty boring, I just wish everyone would stop lying about it. Oh, your interests include kayaking, hiking, and travelling? Well my interests include driving expensive cars, being a ninja, and jet skiing around while sipping on hennesy from my diamond encrusted pimp cup. I don't mean to say that I actaully do any of these, I just think about them a lot when I'm sitting around and getting drunk while eating chinese takeout, which is what I assume you mean as well. Do you want a guy who is "serious" and who won't "play any games"? Too bad bitch cause I play monopoly like a mother fucker, all day everyday. I'll have a hotel on boardwalk before your slow ass even passes go. Don't even get me started on candyland. So basically I'm not a 7 foot tall succesfull buisness man with a brand new porsche, but you aren't a beautiful athletic model with a degree in medicine so I think we're about even. Lets get coffee some time if you aren't offended by a healthy dose of the truth.

Everybody knows

Hi there, I'm looking for a nice girl ages 18-26 for a long term relationship. I figure we could go out on a few dates and see if we click. I'm 23 years old, currently in college, a movie buff, and I occasionaly think about what it would be like to have sex with another man. I'm not gay but I've always been curious of what it would be like. There is a guy at work I talk to sometimes who is bisexual and sometimes I think about taking him into the backroom and kissing him. I also really like music, some of my favorite bands are Bob Dylan, The Who, and The Shins. Some of my hobbies are biking around town, having a few drinks with friends, and pretending that I'm the last person on earth. I just lay down on the floor and pretend that everyone else is gone, maybe in a nuclear holoucast or something. It makes me feel sad and hopeless but also very calm.

I've never written one of these things before and maybe I'm being too personal when I talk about how when my mother was on her deathbed I just kept wishing it would end soon so I could get back to my life, or how I cry at the end of American Beauty no matter how many times I see it but I couldn't bring myself to feel sad at her funeral. Maybe it's inappropriate to tell a group of strangers over the internet about how I sometimes think about someone else when I'm having sex, even if I'm with someone I truly care about I can't help it and it makes me feel like shit but I just can't help it. Maybe it's too personal to talk about these things on an internet dating site, but I'd rather risk acting like a fool in front of everyone then write one of these copy-paste ads, presenting myself the same way I do when I'm applying for a job, so boring and sterile and sane. I'm a normal person, I really am, I just want to be able to share every part of me. I want to tell you all the things we aren't supposed to say, but more importantly, I want you to tell me.

Closure

I have lost the ability to care about sex. I think it's because she left me. I still care about people, I just can't find myself thinking, as I once had, how much I would like to have them. Now when I see a beautiful woman walking down the streets I can think only about how much I would like to see her naked. To look over every part of her. To see the things she hides from everyone. I just want to know everything she is. I want to see everything she has ever done and ever will do. I want to see everything she thinks. I want to be able to know her better than anyone has ever known another person, better than I know myself. I want to know her so well that I that I can love her and hate her at the same time, so I know how pathetic she is, so I know how beautiful she is, so I can convince myself she is just like everyone else.

So I guess this is sort of an apology for watching you take a shower last night. I was also thinking that maybe we could catch a movie this weekend?

You: Tall, curvy, brunette, birthmark on your left inner thigh, screams very loud when you realize someone is watching you

Me: 6’0”, 160 pounds, medium length hair, wearing all black, binoculars, outside your window last night.

A Chance Meeting

I was behind you at the 24 hour CVS Pharmacy counter when you were picking up your prescriptions a couple nights ago. It was around midnight and I was there to pick up my sleeping pills so I could get a good nights sleep. When the pharmacist handed you your pills he said, loud enough for me to hear, "Two of these are to be taken orally and one is a suppository, do you have any questions?" You quickly said no and then blushed as you looked over your shoulder at me. You paid quickly and wandered off to make a few other purchases and I bumped into you again in the cosmetics aisle and our eyes met briefly. Was it just me or was there something there?

Me: Tall, lip piercing, in my 20's
You: Petite, dark hair, black skirt, looked about 25ish

Maybe we could get together for coffee sometime?

Sit down. Stand up.

Today I was thinking about how scared I am to have kids. It’s partly because I don’t want to have the responsibilities and lack of freedom that comes with being a parent, but mainly it’s because I don’t want them to grow up to be like me. I don’t mean a high school dropout who drinks and smokes and has problems meeting women, I mean I don’t want them to grow up to be complacent. I mean sure, I have been known to break a few laws here and there, but I hardly think petty theft and trespassing can really be considered as “sticking it to the man.” I carry around a lock pick set in my pocket but I hardly ever use it for anything besides a neat trick to show off to friends or a way to take a late night dip in the public pool at one in the morning. I have plans for the future, I’m going to college, I have goals set with the intent of reaching them. It would break my heart to see my child falling into the same habits as me. If I ever had kids I would raise them to be little bastards with hopes that someday they would break into the white house and take a crap in the oval office. I want to see my little son/daughters mug shot on every TV screen and newspaper, I want to tell the reporters in a way that seems sincere “No, I have no idea what compelled them to release all the animals from the zoo and lock up people in the cages. They used to be such a good kid.”

Basically what I’m saying here is that if you don’t mind explaining to the cops exactly how your child managed to steal a tank and drive it through the walls of a state penitentiary to break out his jail buddies, maybe we could get coffee sometime.